My Daily Struggle

I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to write this. Who knows, I may not even post it after it's done. I am really struggling. This is hard to admit. I don't want anyone to worry so please don't, but I feel like some days I put on a brave face and a smile and let everyone believe that I am so strong and so happy. After all, that's what everyone keeps saying.

Every single day, I miss him. Every song that has ever made me think of him still does. I still want to tell him ever minuscule detail of my sometimes very mundane life. I saw the movie Shall We Dance a few nights ago. One of the lines was "We get married to have a witness to our lives. We tell each other 'Your life won't go unnoticed because I will notice. I will be your witness.'" (This is not verbatim but it's the gist of it) It hit me how true this really is. I could blog about my day or write about it on Facebook and while I have friends that I know care, it's just different.

I would be delusional if I said it was perfect being married or even that it was a security issue. I just, I guess I felt like I had some sort of a plan in place. While I do have a new plan to an extent, it's not much of one. It's basically, make it through today, try to sleep, and deal with tomorrow if/when it comes. I don't have big plans for the future, well not ones that seem achievable by any means. I have dreams, hopes, whatnot, but again, I don't see the way from here to there. Finding myself in all this is turning out to be harder than I had thought it would be.

School is suffering the most. I have a hard time caring about it. I sit down to read the material, but I just really can't focus. I love literature, but to spend my valuable time reading something that doesn't hold my attention is more than I can do sometimes. (Yes, I realize that I am spending that same valuable time that should be used for sleep writing for the empty space on the internet.)

I'm not sure why I felt the need to write any of this at all, but I did. Again, I don't want to cause any worry for anyone. I guess I just needed to felt "heard." Even if no one reads this, it was put out there. And if you can see this, it means I trust you enough to be let in on my life. Because I know that everyone has their secret battles they fight every day. But sometimes the weight of it is just too heavy and it has to be released. So here is my release.