It wasn't. It was hard and it was painful. And it wasn't sudden at all. There was simply one last straw that broke, and I couldn't do it anymore. I think I put on a brave face and let everyone believe everything was fine (well, that's what I thought they believed, even though I now know I was wrong).
I say it wasn't sudden, even though even for me it kind of felt like it was. I held on for so long to hope that I only somewhat believed in. But I can look back and see my own words on paper where I knew something was wrong.
1-15-10 (over a year ago)
my life
it's going nowhere and it's going there fast. too fast for me to keep up as it spirals downward, out of control. I watch the pieces breaking off and falling. Soon, there will be nothing left to hold to. I can't recall what it's like to laugh, what it's like to not have anything hurt. was my heart ever whole? Was there ever anything worth living for? Surely there must have been a time in the not so distant past where smiling and being at ease was allowed. But here I am now, worthless, useless, and broken.
I don't write this and put it out there for pity or any reason other than to offer an explanation to the questions that are both spoken and unspoken. And just in case anyone else feels this way, I want them to know they're not alone and we all feel it at some time.
And also, I'm not in this place anymore. There is another side where there is laughter and love and it's just. better.
Have a super, fantastic, great day!
Mandiy
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