Another Answer

"How was it so easy for you to just all of a sudden leave?"

It wasn't. It was hard and it was painful. And it wasn't sudden at all. There was simply one last straw that broke, and I couldn't do it anymore. I think I put on a brave face and let everyone believe everything was fine (well, that's what I thought they believed, even though I now know I was wrong).

I say it wasn't sudden, even though even for me it kind of felt like it was. I held on for so long to hope that I only somewhat believed in. But I can look back and see my own words on paper where I knew something was wrong.

1-15-10 (over a year ago)

my life

it's going nowhere and it's going there fast. too fast for me to keep up as it spirals downward, out of control. I watch the pieces breaking off and falling. Soon, there will be nothing left to hold to. I can't recall what it's like to laugh, what it's like to not have anything hurt. was my heart ever whole? Was there ever anything worth living for? Surely there must have been a time in the not so distant past where smiling and being at ease was allowed. But here I am now, worthless, useless, and broken.

I don't write this and put it out there for pity or any reason other than to offer an explanation to the questions that are both spoken and unspoken. And just in case anyone else feels this way, I want them to know they're not alone and we all feel it at some time.

And also, I'm not in this place anymore. There is another side where there is laughter and love and it's just. better.

Have a super, fantastic, great day!

Mandiy

What I Love About Being on My Own

Since I've written about being all lonely and what not, I figured I'd write about some of my new revelations of how nice it can be to live alone.

1. I don't have to cook unless I want to. I can eat Yogurt for dinner for a week straight.

2. If I decide I want to "cook," that can mean spaghetti.

3. My decorating skills make it look like the color Pink just threw up all over my house. I love it and no one can make me change it.

4. I can read. All the time. No interruption.

5. Kisa sleeps with me and cuddles with me when it's just us.

6. I can pick what I watch and what I listen to.

7. If I don't have to leave the house, I can stay in bum clothes all day.

8. No one will know if I don't do the dishes or vacuum for a week.

9. I can have 298,748,392 posters/calendars/action figures of Jacob from Twilight around my house and no one can say anything.

10. I can re-arrange the furniture as much as I want.

11. I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I carry something heavy up the stairs on my own or when I put together a piece of furniture or fix something all by myself.

12. I can spend way too much time on Facebook.

I feel like this is a step in the right direction since I have at least 12 things I love about being here with just Kisa. Moving forward!

Have a super, fantastic, great day!
Mandiy

Words

Well, I think tonight/this morning I finally figured out what it is that I want to study. About time now that I should be graduating soon. I just started a philosophy class, and I love, love, LOVE it already. Unfortunately, there are two problems with me studying just philosophy. 1. My school does not offer a Bachelor's in this. 2. What in the world would I do with a philosophy degree? lol So while reading my text (yes, I am actually reading for this class!), I was reading about philosophers discussing the beginning of language. This took me back to a class I had at Winthrop when we looked at how language formed, the purposes it took on and what it would be like to live in a world without words (I do NOT like that idea at all). And I really started thinking. I love words. I love language. Maybe pictures do speak louder, but I'd rather read the thousand words 9 times out of 10. It allows the mind to create it's own picture beyond what any artist may be able to capture. And I have a secret soft spot for very basic math, which is what syntax and that sort of thing is to me. It's a form of math that still involves my favorite thing: WORDS! So what do you know? The newest available Bachelor's degree from Ashford is, in fact, Applied Linguistics. I mean, what perfect timing! So I sent the email to my advisor asking how to change my major and how far back this will set me. I just, I feel passionate about something to do with school again. I thought I was burnt out on English, but I think I was just looking at the wrong aspects of it. Literature is wonderful, but it's not what I love. I love the words and the grammar and, yes, all the "nerdy" parts. I just think this is maybe what I should've been doing all along. And maybe this is why I didn't finish at Winthrop the first time around. Maybe this is why it's taken me so long to finish, so I finish with the right degree. I'd also love to learn Greek.

And have I mentioned what I want to do with tattoos? I want a collage of words on my back. Yes, words, of course. Again, while I love pictures with the people I love and like to look at some art, words are just more important than images to me. Carefully selecting the right word is just such a thrill sometimes. And to be able to understand language and work with it? Yes, please :) Ok, well now I should go to sleep. I just had to get this revelation out before I explode.

Have a super, fantastic, great, and wonderful day!

Mandiy

Why all the tattoos and piercings?

I've had several people ask me about this: Why do you do that to your body? Why are you putting holes and ink in your skin? My other favorite is: did it hurt? I think these are fair questions (even if they do drive me crazy), and all of them are ones I expected to hear. So here is my big, loud, public response (if only everyone in the whole world would read this and never have to ask again... lol)

I've had several people tell me: "I didn't see you as the tattoo 'type.'" To which, I can't help but wonder what this type is. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever saw myself getting any, especially not as many as I have now, and I surely was not going to get piercings. Never. Ever. But I also never really saw a reason for tattoos for myself. Heck, this was a way for me to willingly hurt myself? Um, no thank you! But we all grow and learn. So did I. I never saw myself as a "broken" type either. I didn't see myself as someone who would be unwilling to get out of bed until I absolutely had to. (Kisa helped with this since she absolutely had to be fed and had to go out.)

What I've learned, though, is that we all get broken at some point. We all have scars that maybe no one ever sees. We all lose people we love and have our hearts broken. And we all deal with it differently. We even deal with each time in our own lives differently. For me, the answer was body art (along with a heavy dose of good music, good friends, and positive thinking). I dealt with emotional pain in negative ways before and had long ago decided I did not want to go back down that road.

Each one of my tattoos means something to me, and each is a quiet reminder of a lesson I needed to learn.

The first one I got was the one on my neck: it says Libre (which means free in Spanish. It does not say Libra) with wings on fire. This was my first reminder to myself that I am a free soul. No one may dictate my actions. I have the mind to decide on my own. I have not always allowed myself to make my own decisions, and I did really well at relinquishing my control plenty of times. So there are wings rising out of fire, as a phoenix rises from the ashes. I may not have always seen myself as free, but I am now. And while I may struggle, I will always get back up and out of the flames.

The second one I got was the word bird in Greek on my left wrist. Because I have so many in Greek, I will say this now that they are in Greek because it is the language of so many great philosophers. These were the great thinkers that heavily influenced our society, and I wish to model my ideals after many of theirs. The word was chosen for its strong literary symbolism. The main story I had in mind was Kate Chopin's The Awakening, but so many others use this symbol as well. The bird is a feminist symbol that, in my own opinion, perfectly describes women. I could write forever about how perfect it is, but I will try to shorten it down. Basically, they are free spirits and can soar and be above the world. But they are also very often domesticated. They are put into boxes that they are expected to enjoy. This tattoo is a reminder (along with the previous one) that I am a free bird.

The third one I got was the word love (in English) on my right wrist. The easiest way to explain this one is to send you to this sight: http://www.twloha.com/. A short version: it's a reminder to treat those who struggle (and really everyone) with love. Love could cure so many of our society's problem if we let it. It was not for my husband at the time, it was actually for my brothers.

The 4th and 5th ones are serenity and harmony (both in Greek) on my right and left foot, respectively. I got these at a very difficult time, and they remind me to seek the right path toward peace with every step I take.

The 6th and 7th go together. They say super woman (in Greek), one on each of my shoulder blades. These remind me even when I do not feel strong, that I am. I can handle whatever I need to, and I can do it for myself.

As for the piercings, they are a way to "decorate" and use pain in a more positive way than previous methods.

So yes, I am putting holes and ink in my body. But each time, it creates a reflective, and in my opinion, beautiful scar. They remind me that pain doesn't last. Wounds heal, and while scars remain, they are nothing more than a memory. A lot to some. But none hurt as much as whatever drove me to the tattoo shop. And, really, so often we do things that we know will very likely scar us emotionally in the long run, but sometimes we just do it anyway.

And to answer the "did it hurt?" question, the answer is yes to pretty much all of them. So just in case you've ever wondered about them, ever asked politely, or ever been rude about my body art, here are the best answers I could give.

Have a super, fantastic, great day!

Mandiy

My Daily Struggle

I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to write this. Who knows, I may not even post it after it's done. I am really struggling. This is hard to admit. I don't want anyone to worry so please don't, but I feel like some days I put on a brave face and a smile and let everyone believe that I am so strong and so happy. After all, that's what everyone keeps saying.

Every single day, I miss him. Every song that has ever made me think of him still does. I still want to tell him ever minuscule detail of my sometimes very mundane life. I saw the movie Shall We Dance a few nights ago. One of the lines was "We get married to have a witness to our lives. We tell each other 'Your life won't go unnoticed because I will notice. I will be your witness.'" (This is not verbatim but it's the gist of it) It hit me how true this really is. I could blog about my day or write about it on Facebook and while I have friends that I know care, it's just different.

I would be delusional if I said it was perfect being married or even that it was a security issue. I just, I guess I felt like I had some sort of a plan in place. While I do have a new plan to an extent, it's not much of one. It's basically, make it through today, try to sleep, and deal with tomorrow if/when it comes. I don't have big plans for the future, well not ones that seem achievable by any means. I have dreams, hopes, whatnot, but again, I don't see the way from here to there. Finding myself in all this is turning out to be harder than I had thought it would be.

School is suffering the most. I have a hard time caring about it. I sit down to read the material, but I just really can't focus. I love literature, but to spend my valuable time reading something that doesn't hold my attention is more than I can do sometimes. (Yes, I realize that I am spending that same valuable time that should be used for sleep writing for the empty space on the internet.)

I'm not sure why I felt the need to write any of this at all, but I did. Again, I don't want to cause any worry for anyone. I guess I just needed to felt "heard." Even if no one reads this, it was put out there. And if you can see this, it means I trust you enough to be let in on my life. Because I know that everyone has their secret battles they fight every day. But sometimes the weight of it is just too heavy and it has to be released. So here is my release.

an ode to my new apartment

the air is clean tonight
as the clouds move quickly
across the sky overhead.
could this be
the wind
bringing the change
i've been awaiting?
to come in and fix my broken heart,
make my soul feel new again?
Words now pour from a hand
from a pen that's been dry
for far too long.
let peace last this time.
as i survey my surroundings
it's as if it's the first time.
and i realize what i've been waiting for
for so long has been here.
has been this place the whole time.

New Year

I'll be honest, I've never really understood why the New Year is such a big deal. It's simply another day, and after all the errors made in history with calendars, really, it's not much to celebrate. This year, however, I understand a little better. We need a new start. We make resolutions to better ourselves, and hopefully others as well. We have a clean, fresh start. Even if it's just another day, we can tell ourselves, this year will be different. But why can't we do that every day? Why don't we wake up and say, "today will be better." or "this week (or month) will be better"? A year is such a long time and so much can happen during it, why wouldn't we adjust our resolutions to make them continue to work both all year and for our lives? At the same time, it seems that we often set ourselves up for failure by setting the bar too high and then when we fall, the rest of the year is considered a failure. Deciding in January that you're not going to eat any junk food all year is simply not realistic. Cutting out one thing or eating it less, however, is. I have had a hard time coming up with any resolutions thus far. There are, of course, areas of my life that I have issues with and that I want to change, but I also want to stick to what I decide. I have decided, instead, to make monthly resolutions this year. For January, I *think* I am going to pick a different curse word each week and cut it out of my vocabulary, until at the end of the month there are 4 that I don't use. Because I am starting a little late, I'm going to go until this time February. I think by telling myself it's only for a week, I will be able to build up to just not saying these words at all. Well, that's the hope. Then I will pick a new one in February. Here's to a great year that has so far been one of my best :)

Have a Super, Fantastic, Great Day!
Mandiy